You Chose It

As many of you already know, my husband is currently deployed to Afghanistan. This deployment is his fourth combat deployment literally since the day after our 8 year old twins were born. This one is a short one; it is only nine months long, where the other three have been year-long separations.

Also, as many of you may know, I am not one of those women who mope around during these deployments. Many women stop their lives when their husbands are gone. It is as though they feel their existence is pointless when their husbands are not around. They exist during these deployments, but they do not LIVE or THRIVE during these deployments. I am not one of these women. I make goals during each deployment, and more often than not I achieve those goals. Even though half of my heart is gone with my husband in Afghanistan, my life does not end when he is not a daily part of it.

With that being said, I do have my off days where I do feel sorry for myself. I have my day, mope around the house and whatnot, then I pick myself up the next day and move on. Well, I was having one of these days when I was chatting with a friend from high school on facebook. I was complaining about how it sucks that my husband is gone or how much I miss him, and my friend told me "well, you chose your life", and that was it. Like I wasn't allowed to hurt or to miss my husband because I chose this life with my husband.

I understand that this is not my first rodeo. I usually do not complain to other military wives about deployment woes because I usually get told something to the effect of "you're a military spouse, it's part of the job, get over it." Really? When have we stopped lifting each other up, empathizing with one another, and encouraging one another and expect everyone to just "suck it up and drive on"? I know that is what our husbands are taught, but we are human beings with feelings and emotions, and we have a right to express these emotions without being stonewalled.

Another thing that other wives tell me is that this isn't my first deployment, so things should be easy for me. Well, in a sense that is true. I know what to expect and I know the challenges that lie ahead of me not only with the deployment but with reintegration as well. I also know what I personally need to do to make it through these deployments. On the other hand, each deployment brings with it its own unique sets of challenges and setbacks. For example, during the first deployment I had newborn twins and was serving on active duty in the Army; I was a single parent to these two beautiful babies while having to fulfill my obligation to my country. Needless to say I didn't sleep much, and things were hectic. On this deployment, I have 8 year olds who somewhat understand what is going on and what their dad is doing in Afghanistan, and are able to express their feelings and emotions pertaining to these events. I wouldn't say one deployment is easier or harder than the other, they are all different.

To me, this lifestyle was not a choice. I love my husband dearly, and when he asked me to marry him, I had to accept his proposal knowing that in a sense I was marrying the military as well. I had to take the good with the bad. However, I could not imagine sharing my life with any other man, so there was no choice for me; I accepted the proposal whole-heartedly. 

With all this being said, deployments suck. While we are blessed by the military in many ways (housing, healthcare, travel opportunities, friends that are more like family, steady job, etc.) there are also many ways that the military life can be difficult. As a therapist I know that keeping emotions inside and not being able to express them is unhealthy, but I fear expressing my emotions concerning deployments because of the reactions I have been getting from others. I guess what I am trying to say is, let the military spouses, and even soldiers, be able to express their emotions pertaining to this lifestyle without fear of any sort of backlash. Remember that next time you get a flat tire or your husband has to go on a weekend business trip. Military families endure far more hardship and stress on average and complain far less. When one of us needs someone to talk to, please just listen and offer your empathy, understanding, and prayer.