Common Courtesy Isn't So Common Anymore

I am from a small town in rural Wisconsin where people smile and say “hi” to strangers walking down to street or wave at other cars as they’re driving by. Neighbors help each other out just because, well, that’s just what neighbors do. It is one of those towns where everybody knew just about everybody, and in one way or another people just looked out for each other.

This is kind of embarrassing, but I remember one day when I was about 17 my dad asked me to go put gas in the truck. The truck was a stick-shift and I didn’t know how to drive it so I told him so. My dad just chuckled and said “well, you’ll know how to drive one by the time you come back”, and showed me the basics of driving a stick shift. To start off I drove to the gas station just fine, parked the truck, put gas in it, and attempted to drive off but couldn’t get the truck to go. I was sitting there for five minutes trying to get the truck to move but just couldn’t manage it. One of my mom’s co-workers recognized me and offered me his help, it turned out that I had the parking brake on! So I finally got the truck to go and thought I was getting the hang of it. I was at a four-way intersection with all stop-signs and when it was my turn to go I for the life of me couldn’t get the truck in gear. Once again, I was sitting there for five minutes when a woman knocked on the window and said “Honey, what are you having problems with? Is it the clutch or the gear shift?” I told her that it was the clutch, and she said “well, scoot over honey and I’ll get you out of the intersection”. That kind woman left her car in the road and helped me move the truck out of the way. I thanked her and she walked back to get her car. I finally get the truck going, am back on my way to my parents house when I was at another stop sign and couldn’t get the truck to move again. I was so frustrated by this point, especially because I could see my house from the stop sign! I am sitting at the stop sign (thankfully it wasn’t a busy intersection) trying to get the truck in gear when another van came up behind me. I waved the van to go past me when another woman rolled down her window and asked if I needed help. I told her no, that I was almost home and that I think I could manage. Frustrated, I finally got home, thankful for the help of all those kind people…but it was a long time before I attempted to drive a stick shift again (I know how to drive one now, btw).

So what was the point of that story? Well, people I did not even know were kind enough to take a few minutes out of their day to help me out. Now, I don’t know if it’s a Midwestern thing or a small-town thing or what, but I just don’t find see that very often anymore. Bamberg is a fairly small community, and when I walk down the street I look people in the eye, smile, and say “hello” and you know what? Most of the time people either look at me like I’m either crazy or a complete idiot, or they choose to totally ignore me altogether. Where I grew up, if someone says “hello”, you respond to them and it is considered rude to ignore them.

Most of my neighbors living in my stairwell are great neighbors, the families that I am acquainted with I know I can go and ask them for an egg or to borrow a tool or something, and the rest of them smile and say “hi” when I pass them in the stairwell or see them in the laundry room. Some of the neighbors I don’t know so well, though, can be pretty inconsiderate to the rest of us. Some neighbors take up all four washers (which is fine, I do it too) but then take HOURS to move their laundry from the washers to the dryers. I don’t even think they give a thought to the fact that other people in the building might want to start laundry too. If I am using all four dryers and see that people have stuff in the washers, I knock on their door and let them know that the dryers are open. Does anyone else offer that same courtesy? No. One neighbor (I don’t know for sure who it is, otherwise I’d confront them) puts their garbage in my garbage can. If it were one bag, fine…but they fill it up to the point where I don’t have room for my trash. Other neighbors (not from my stairwell) don’t clean up after their pets, and insist on walking their animals in the same area that our children play or where barbecues are held. Other neighbors allow their guests to park in parking spots that are marked for certain apartments rather than ask them to park in the unmarked guest parking.

Those are just a few examples of things I have to deal with, but all of them bother me because I personally cannot bring myself to be so inconsiderate of my neighbors. I would feel horrible if I knew I put out one of my neighbors because of something inconsiderate I had done. There are some things that just come along with living in shared housing, such as hearing things from other apartments, but for the most part a lot of the little annoyances can be alleviated if people were just a bit more considerate of their neighbors. If there is one thing that I have learned in the past ten years, though, is that common courtesy isn’t so common, but the world would be a much nicer place to live in if it were.

A "Can't Do" Attitude

This is a subject that has been on my heart for a quite some time, but I was reminded of it yesterday when I was helping my daughter with her reading assignment; she was trying to sound a word that any first grader should be able to get, she got frustrated and said “Mommy, I can’t do it!”I was taken back by that statement because I knew for a fact that my daughter could do it…she just didn’t WANT to put the work into figuring it out.

In the past I have been guilty of using the word “can’t” just as much as anybody else, but the past three deployments that my husband and I have endured have shown me just how much I can do that I thought I couldn’t do before. So is it really that we can’t do something? Or is it more that we won’t or don’t want to?

Many of you who know me know that in the past ten months I have lost about 40lbs. I get a lot of compliments about my weight loss, and when people ask how I did it I tell them that I watch what I eat, measure my portion sizes, and exercise. The usual reply that I get after I tell them my “secret” is, “I can’t do that, I just don’t have the discipline” (or time, someone to watch kids, etc.). Now, does this person really not have the time, or are they just unwilling to set aside some time for themselves to work out? Is childcare really a problem, or are they just not coming up with creative ways to work out with the children home or finding child care? Is discipline really the issue, or is it the fact that they are not ready to make the changes that cater to a healthy lifestyle? I have made these same excuses for myself for years, telling myself that I can’t lose weight because of various reasons, but really it was me not choosing to make healthy changes. This kind of thinking not only affects weight loss, but many other areas of life as well. Facing any sort of change in life or a major life “hurdle” requires a change in your thinking and the attitude in which you approach them.

In the book titled “Help! I’m a Military Spouse: I Get a Life Too” the authors speak about getting caught up in language that limits our behavior, and how such language can make us feel like we are powerless victims of our circumstances. No matter how small the hurdle or how insignificant the goal might seem, a “can’t do” attitude is not going to get you very far in life and you are only limiting your many possibilities.

The authors of the book also stated that sometimes we say we can’t do something, when often times it is simply that we aren’t ready to accept the consequences of doing it. For example, say a girlfriend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her, but I had a paper due and desperately needed to get it done. So I reply to the invitation by saying “I can’t, I have homework to do”. In reality, it’s not that I can’t really go to lunch, because I very well can, it’s me choosing not to go to lunch with my girlfriend because I am not willing to accept the consequences of not finishing the paper and getting a poor grade.

So, the next time you say to yourself “I can’t do this because ______”, ask yourself if you REALLY cannot do it, or if you simply won’t, don’t want to, or are choosing not to for various reasons. By asking yourself for the real reason why you “can’t” do something and looking at things from a different perspective not only are you realizing that you do have choices and are not a victim of circumstances, but you are opening up the door for possibilities that may not have existed before simply because of your “can’t do” attitude.

Talk to Your Kids!

This week my children came home with coloring books about drugs and alcohol, and I’m assuming it’s part of the D.A.R.E program or something of that nature. Ok, fine, teach my children that drugs are bad…but did the book really need to call alcohol a drug? I really think it’s up to each individual family to teach children what they believe about alcohol. For instance, I would like to teach my children that alcohol in moderation is not a bad thing. Also, when they are about 15, I plan on letting them have a glass of wine at the dinner table on special occasions, I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, Wisconsin is one of the few states, if not the only state, where if a minor is at a bar with their parent, legal guardian, or spouse who is of legal drinking age, it is legal for them to be served alcohol as well. Does this mean that I think my six year olds should have a beer with me the next time I’m at a tavern in Wisconsin? Not by any means! Alcohol consumption in my family is something done at family gatherings and special occasions, and it is common for adolescents who are not of legal drinking age to have a drink at those functions. I just want the option of being able to teach my children MY beliefs about alcohol and alcohol consumption, not what the school wants them to think or believe. The school should have sent home a permission slip about what they would be teaching, and if a parent did not agree then those children would go to a different room while that subject was being taught.

That beings said, I was shocked that my children were taught that “alcohol impairs the mind if you drink it, and that if you drink too much you lose control of your body and you don’t know what you think or say”. That’s almost verbatim what my daughter told me today. I don’t think it’s a topic that a 6 year old should be taught or even know about, and I certainly don’t want a lecture from either of my children the next time I decide to have a beer or a glass of wine.

What happened to innocence? In American society today it is more and more difficult to just let a child be a child. I mean, sure we need to teach them not to take candy from strangers, not to let anybody touch their private parts, and other useful, age-appropriate information, but do we really need to tell them everything? I know information is power, but I believe that we should let children be children as long as possible; there will be enough time for them to have to learn about and deal with the struggles of the real world.

I understand, however, why the school feels the need to teach these subjects. Yes, the parents should be the ones to teach their children about drugs, alcohol, and sex, but many parents shrug these responsibilities because of their uncomfortable nature and depend on the schools to teach their children these subjects. If the majority of parents took the time to talk to their children about these topics, as awkward or embarrassing to discuss as they might be, I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now because my children's school wouldn’t feel it necessary to teach these subjects.

Why Organized Chaos?

This is my very first attempt at trying to post a regular blog. When asked for a title to my blog, it took me a while to think of one but then it hit me, "Organized Chaos". Why that particular name? Well, that is a very simple description of my life. I am a perfectionist by nature, but life is anything but perfect. I tried to plan out my life to be a certain way, and in fact my life turned out to be anything but what I planned it to be. I then marry a man who is in the Army which makes it nearly impossible to plan a weekend getaway let alone plan for the future; we don't even know where we'll be living a year from now! My perfectionist nature despises this aspect of the military life, but in the end everything works out to be exactly what was meant to be. I am learning that many times you just need to "let go and let God" and have faith that everything will work out for the best. In addition, I sometimes have difficulty writing thoughts that I have clearly, and what might make sense to me might look like a buch of random thoughts on paper. That being said, Organized Chaos seems to be a fitting title because not only does it describe me and my thought process, it describes my life in general.

As previously stated, this is my first blog ever. I've written notes on facebook and stuff, but on facebook I was always conscious of the people who might be reading it so that I might not offend them. On this blog I'm not going to do that. This doesn't mean that I am going to gossip and name names or just slam people just to be mean, but I am going to state my opinion without thinking too carefully who may or may not see it. If you don't like it, well, don't read my blog. I'm sure there are more intersting things to do than read what I have to think anyway.